So, first off, I'd like to say that I don't really expect/need anyone to read this. Not because it doesn't matter; because I need somewhere to say things, thoughts that are itching to get out. Most are meaningless thoughts, but I need a cure to my oncoming insomnia, and this seemed the easiest place. If I don't get it out on paper somewhere, I'm not gonna get anywhere with it.
I want to write. I don't want to do my homework; I don't want to read Things Fall Apart. But that's because, personally, I don't want to read about more things falling apart. Ever since that girl came rolling around, I don't think things have been the same. And I don't things are going to be the same. So, I can't decide what to do with this impending guilt, because he says he wants to be friends, he says he's not mad, he says he'll move on. First off, I didn't even do anything. I just sat there and was myself. Secondly, I'm not sure I want to be friends.
And maybe that's my fault: because I don't want to be friends, I didn't do anything to counteract what was going to happen. But, I mean, when it happened, what was I supposed to say? Nothing? I'm sorry I had to tell him that oh, y'know, she likes me and not you; she only wants to go to formal because I'm there. He's always urging me to be blunt, but he hasn't talked to me the same since I told him. He said I was gloating. How could I possibly gloat about something I completely hate?
And ever since then, he hasn't tried to talk about things I like. Every time I'm reading a book, he calls it stupid, every time I try to start a conversation, he makes some negative comments and ruins it. And every time I talk about things hewants to talk about, he just sits there, and looks at me. He doesn't say anything. He actually doesn't even look at me. He's facing me, but he doesn't want to look at me.
All because of something she did. And it's been so different since.
Even though she's one of my somewhat-good friends, part of me wishes I never met her.
And that's the thing. I don't want to be friends with him. If he wants to be friends with me, I want him to give me a good reason. Which he hasn't yet. The only good reason he could give me is that he needs me, but he's too much of a coward to even admit that. If he doesn't treat me like a friend, I don't want to be friends. And he knows that. Yet he doesn't go away.
